My main beef with the iPhone 5's headphone jack placement can be summed up in two words: finger penis.

But we'll come back to that.

There's one thing you really need to be able to do with a phone and that is hold it. Doesn't matter how many wireless peripherals or voice-activated virtual assistants the thing comes with, you're still going to spend a lot of time with the handset in your paw.

When the iPhone was first announced, certain people said disparagingly, "Oh right, so it's what? An iPod that makes phone calls?". Well, yeah - except for me the most excellent thing about the iPhone (and, yeah, ok, smartphones in general) is that it's an iPod that can send text messages and go on Twitter.

I don't know about you, but if I'm walking somewhere, I'm listening to music on my phone. If I'm on the train, I'm listening to music on my phone. If I'm in bed and my neighbours are being raucous at 1.30am in the morning, I'm British so I'm not knocking on their door telling them to keep it down or I'll call the feds, I'm listening to music on my phone to help me reach Sleepy-time Central.

Bendable, opposable

So we're agreed: one of the great joys of a smartphone is being able to listen to whatever you feel like wherever you are while simultaneously texting whoever you fancy. Good. I'm glad we're all on the same page here.

That's why Apple went some way to completely ruining the iPhone when it moved the headphone jack to the bottom of the handset.

When Apple unveiled the iPhone 5 to the world, it made some passing reference to the fact that having the headphone jack on the bottom panel makes life better for people who keep their iPhones in their pockets because when you get your phone out of your pocket, it'll be the right way up.

Let's put aside the fact that it makes no difference whether your headphones are poking out of the top or the bottom of your handset when your phone is in your pocket and address the fact that not everyone keeps their phones in their pockets. Not everyone has pockets, Apple. Some of us have handbags.

And anyway, who cares about that one second of minor convenience? That warm fuzzy feeling you've provided is instantly destroyed as I awkwardly wind my fingers around the dirty great headphone connector that is now in my way.

Pocket monster

Let's talk about the butter-fingers-factor. This is an essential consideration when it comes to any piece of expensive technology that you use more than three times a day. The iPhone 5 is a even slippier customer than most.

Shiny glass and smooth aluminium chassis aside, because Apple elongated the body to accommodate the longer screen, the weighting is slightly off (I think 'they' call it 'top-heavy'). This leads to constant anxiety that you'll just give up on your grip for no apparent reason and watch as one of the most expensive things you own shatters on the floor.

Guess what doesn't make an already weirdly weighted, anxiety-laden drop-friendly handset any easier to get a grip on? If you answered "a dirty great wire sticking out of the exact bit of the phone you want to hold" then congratulations, you are correct.

And that brings us back to my original issue. It doesn't matter how how many impressive feats of knot disentanglement I pull off or how rarely I drop my phone, there is no getting away from the finger penis.

When you have headphones plugged into the iPhone 5 and you want to check a map or say something pithy about Miley Cyrus on Twitter, there is nowhere for your pinky to go.

On the iPhone 4, the phone could easily rest along the length of your littlest digit. Oh that was great - good times, guys, good times. Not only did it add stability and grip, it was comfortable and didn't look weird.

Now, your little finger is forced to stick awkwardly out towards you like, well, a finger penis.

So thanks for that, Apple. Thanks a lot.

• It looks like the iPhone 5S will continue with this shambolic design, but will the iPhone 5C follow suit? Check out the most cultured rumour round up here.

It's a rivalry almost as old as time itself - well ok maybe not, but the Android versus iOS debate is one which causes temperatures to rise and profanity to spout from the mouths of even the most innocent of five year olds.

We've booted up the TechRadar Street Fighter engine (patent pending) to see who comes out on top when we pit Google's Android against Apple's iOS.

Everyone has their favourite, who will you be rooting for in this clash of the titans?

Can the open source, customisable and general OS around town Android take the crown, or will the streamlined, content rich and rather exclusive iOS steal the show? Watch the video below to find out.

More QuickRadar

Has that got your blood boiling for some more instant action? Then check out more QuickRadar videos.

• Console vs PC gaming - which is better?
• Why would anyone buy BlackBerry?
• Oculus Rift - just another VR fantasy?

Archos is still going although it's not the household name it once was, but perhaps a new portfolio of products will help it claw back some customers.

First up is the Platinum tablet range with the pick of the bunch being the Archos 97b Platinum HD which features a quad-core processor, aluminium body, full HD display and Android 4.2.

Then there's the Archos 101xs2 (that name needs a bit of work) which once again packs a quad-core chip as well as front facing speakers and "unique" magnetic keyboard functionality.

Kids and gamers

For the kids there are a couple of new tablets, with 8 and 10-inch screens, going by the names 80 ChildPad and 101 ChildPad. These sport a chunkier build and a child friendly interface complete with parental controls.

Another market Archos is looking to target is tablet gamers with is GamePad 2 offering a mix of Android tablet and games console.

Archos also has three tablets lined up in its Xenon Range which all feature HD displays and 3G connectivity, and apparently they'll be cheaper than Samsung and Apple Wi-Fi tablets.

When it comes to smartphones the firm's new flagship model is the Archos 50 Oxygen, with a 5-inch full HD display, 1.5GHz quad-core processor, 16GB of internal storage, 13MP rear camera, 5MP front camera and pure Android 4.2.

That doesn't sound to shabby on paper, but we'll reserve proper judgement until we get our hands on it.

Archos will be flaunting all its new products at IFA 2013 in Berlin next week and TechRadar will be there to bring you all the latest from the show.

If you had to describe larger-than-life Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, he of the Monkey Dance and "Developers! Developers! Developers!", in a single word it wouldn't be "retiring" - but he is, in news that we suspect surprised him as much as it surprised the rest of us. The official date hasn't been announced yet, but Steve Ballmer will step down within the next 12 months.

"I think you'd be hard pushed to find someone in the tech world who felt that Steve Ballmer was the best man to make Microsoft great again," says UK editor in chief Patrick Goss, but "Microsoft is still jam-packed with talent and innovators, it's cash-rich and one of the most trusted brands in the world."

Forbes famously dubbed him the world's worst CEO last year, but that's unfair: under Ballmer, Microsoft has made astonishing amounts of money. The consumer division may have taken a few knocks, but the enterprise division is enormously successful - as Mary Branscombe elaborates in a feature on Ballmer's triumphs.

Did he fall or was he pushed? The smart money's on the latter, with many analysts expecting Microsoft's next financial results to be horrific - largely due to disappointing sales of Windows 8, which Ben Stinson says should have been touch-only from day one, and disastrous sales of Windows RT. So who's next for the top job? Patrick Goss's list of potential candidates contains more than a few surprises.

4G is on the way

The other big news this week was that the UK's 4G networks, which are only currently available to one very tall woman in central London, will finally be rolled out to, ooh, at least seventeen people. Only kidding: 4G's about to go wheeeeee, because O2 and Vodafone have finally joined the 4G party.

As John McCann reports, it's not all good news: "O2 is initially launching its LTE service in just three cities to start with - London, Leeds and Bradford - while Vodafone is being even more conservative by starting its service off in the capital only."

Their rollouts aim to reach a whopping 13 cities each before the end of the year, which means they'll be quite far behind EE: it hit the 100-town, 60% of the population milestone this week. Also trailing is Three, which doesn't turn on its own 4G service until December. That might be worth waiting for, though: the network promises that it won't charge customers any extra for 4G mobile broadband. To find out which 4G network is best, check out our updated guide.

Nexus 7 nails it again

You can't use the new Nexus 7 on 4G yet - it's only shipping in 16GB and 32GB Wi-Fi versions for the time being, although an LTE version is coming - but that's unlikely to stop it from selling squillions.

As Phil Lavelle reports in his Nexus 7 review, "this is one beautiful piece of equipment... Google has taken what made the original such a belter, corrected almost every niggle with it, bumped the price up ever so slightly yet also made the Nexus 7 feel so much more premium." It isn't perfect, but "if you're looking for a 7-inch tablet... there is no better alternative on the market right now."

Have you ever looked at Nintendo's 3DS and thought, "wouldn't it be great if it didn't fold, looked really odd and didn't have 3D"? Then have we got news for you: Nintendo's unveiled exactly that in the form of its new, cheap 2DS. As Matt Swider says, "like every Nintendo product launch in recent years, the 2DS is mired by some strange design choices... different, but no better than the old one."

• TechRadar analysis: Ballmer leaves Microsoft, but in what shape?

Three has announced that from today it's abolishing international roaming charges for its customers in seven countries - the first UK network to do so.

The service, which it's ingeniously called "feel at home", is available to Three customers travelling to the Republic of Ireland, Australia, Italy, Austria, Hong Kong, Sweden and Denmark, allowing you to use your UK price plan while visiting.

If you're on a pay monthly Three contact you'll be able to use your bundled allowance of minutes, texts and data when aboard, so as long as you don't exceed your limits it won't cost you a penny.

Those of you rocking unlimited plans will be subject to some restrictions when abroad, but with 3000 minutes, 5000 texts and 25GB of data to play with you shouldn't have to worry.

If you do end up going out of bundle Three says you'll be subject to reduced roaming charges of 20p/min for calls, 7p per text and 10p per MB for data.

Pay as you go customers require credit on their account to use their normal services and allowances aboard, with additional usage charged at the UK rate.

Random assortment

As for the random assortment of countries, Three has explained the reasoning behind the selection to TechRadar.

"Due to the falling data roaming wholesale rates in Europe the exposure of roaming onto other networks in these countries has been significantly reduced and therefore made an offer such as this possible," a spokesperson said.

"We have also introduced this offer in countries where we have a sister network."

There's no set up required either. Once your phone has picked up a local network in one of the qualifying countries you'll be good to go.

We've asked Three if more countries will be added to this offer in the future. We'll update this article as soon as we hear back.