Here are the various emotions that you will go through when watching LG's latest ad for the LG G Flex:

Boredom, dismay, disbelief, ABJECT HORROR, what is that? is that a... no, wait, it's a mouth, dismay, confusion, dismay, why's he putting the ear to his ear and the mouth to his mouth?, more dismay, sick in your mouth, dismay, dismay, dismay.

We're starting an online petition to have the whole thing killed with fire, who's with us?

More blips

Cleanse your mental palate with some more blips.

• Did someone just unmask the mysterious creator of Bitcoin?
• You could've bought Instagram with the $1bn pledged on Kickstarter so far
• The Minecraft movie seems to be happening

There's a big problem with wearable health tech: the people who need it won't buy it.

With the obvious exceptions - people who have conditions that mean they need to keep a close eye on what their bodies are up to - the kind of people who'll embrace wearable health gadgets are the kind of people who don't really need them.

If you care enough about your health to drop hundreds on health kit, you're probably not the kind of person who runs screaming from salad bars.

We don't need health sensors for healthy people, we need them for everybody else.

We need smartphones that will spy on us.

Pizza power

I'm not being judgemental here. In a former life I was Scotland's most enthusiastic smoker, and while I don't do that any more I still enjoy a deep-fried pizza - don't knock if you haven't tried it - and come out in a rash if I think about exercising. I'm as interested in health apps as I am in morris dancing, cricket or One Direction.

That's why a smartphone could save my life.

Everybody's going to die but many people die far too early. For example, it's estimated that a quarter of deaths from heart disease are preventable and the risk factors are both well-established and easy to monitor; they're things such as blood pressure, high cholesterol, lack of physical activity and so on.

The problem, of course, is that you have to monitor those things and many of us don't.

We're pretty good at pretending that unhealthy behaviours aren't affecting us - and the unhealthier the behaviour, the more in denial you can become. When I was torching entire tobacco plantations before breakfast the last person I wanted to see was my doctor. What's the point of going to see someone who'll only tell you to stop smoking?

Wearables might do a better job. If our devices come stuffed with sensors in the way they currently do with accelerometers and compasses, they could keep a close eye on how we're doing.

For example, the Wello smartphone case includes a handful of sensors that monitor your heart rate, blood pressure, oxygen levels, temperature and so on; Apple is reportedly working on audio sensors that can detect irregularities in arteries.

The trick is to make health monitoring the rule, not the exception. Given the choice between spending a couple of hundred on a health gadget or dropping the same sum on Haribo, the sweets will win every time - but if the sensors are in the gadgets we'll want to buy anyway, they can sneak in under our radar.

There are lots of issues to address - privacy is the biggie - but if wearables can get it right, they might warn us of imminent problems without just nipping our heads about eating more salad.

Sensors could be the canaries in our personal coalmines, spotting great danger when there's still time to do something about it.

Saving us from ourselves? Maybe we need an app for that.

• Read more about Wello, which just turned your iPhone into your own personal doctor

Wello (by Azoi Inc) is a health tracker with a difference, or at least it has far more features than we've come to expect from the humble smartphone case.

It can track your heart rate, blood pressure, temperature, ECG, blood oxygen level, respiration, heart rate variability and lung functions with supposedly medical grade accuracy.

You might be imagining it as some sort of expensive and unwieldy contraption, but in fact it's built into a mobile phone case, so it can be with you whenever your phone is and you simply place your fingers on the sensor areas to get a reading.

Diagnose on the move

It connects to a handset using Bluetooth, allowing it to sync data to an app, so you can see your stats wherever you are. It can also be linked up to Fitbit devices (with support for other brands apparently in the works), so you can see all your data in one place and it has a two month battery life.

The Wello is compatible with the iPhone 5S, 5 and 4S, as well as all Android KitKat devices with Bluetooth LE (low-energy), though it doesn't look like the case will currently fit Android handsets, as you can only order iPhone versions for now.

Speaking of orders, it's up for pre-order now for £120 / $199 (around AU$220) and will be shipping to the UK and Europe in the summer with the US following this autumn, pending FDA approval.

Whether it's any good we cannot say, but on paper it certainly sounds it and makes Samsung's Galaxy S5 heart rate monitor seem somewhat underwhelming in comparison.

• For a more fitness oriented tracker, check out the Nike FuelBand SE

The LG L90 only appeared the other day at MWC but it's already on its way to stores.

At least, it is if you live in Russia and the surrounding countries, as the handset will land over there starting this week.

The rest of us might have to wait a little bit longer, but hopefully not too long as the press release states that the L90 will be arriving in "other markets around the world" just as soon as it's finished launching in eastern Europe.

Priced to move

When it does arrive, the LG L90 has a 4.7-inch 960 x 540 display, a 1.2GHz quad-core processor, 1GB of RAM, 8GB of built in storage and an 8MP camera.

It also runs Android 4.4 KitKat, so it's up to date on that front, and it includes LG's new Knock Code feature which allows users to turn the screen on and unlock the phone through a combination of taps.

We gave the L90 a test drive at MWC and were impressed by the build quality and performance, but felt the screen resolution was a little on the low side - check out the full hands on here.

We're waiting to hear back from networks about pricing for the L90, but it looks as though the SIM-free handset will land at around £209.99, or at least that's what Clove has it up for pre-order at - that translates to around $350 or AU$400.

It's also launching into an increasingly crowded market, with the likes of the Motorola Moto G and Sony Xperia M2 sure to provide stiff competition. Can it stand out? You'll have to wait for our full LG L90 review to find out.

• LG has designs on the top too, with its Optimus G Pro.

HTC has officially announced the Desire 310, its mid-range successor to the Desire 300.

The specs won't blow your mind, but they're sure to be enough to make this affordable handset sing.

The 310 has a 4.5-inch 854x480 display, a 1.3GHz quad-core processor working away inside and 512MB of RAM.

You'll only have 4GB of internal storage inside but you'll be able to add more via the microSD card slot.

Meanwhile, you've got a resonable 5MP shooter on the rear capable of 1080p video recording, and a VGA camera on the front.

Burning desire

And unless you're averse to choice, the other good news is that you'll be able to pick it up in one of three colours - white, orange or navy blue.

The HTC Desire 310 will be available in the UK "from the end of April" via O2, Vodafone and Carphone Warehouse, although we're not yet being told anything on pricing or when other territories will get their hands on it - HTC just promises us it will be "affordable".

• Looking for something a bit beefier? Check out the HTC Desire 816