There’s a good reason that 8-tracks, rotary telephones and tube TVs all went to the landfill: They suck compared to what we have today. And no amount of reimagining history will make them any cooler.

I’m writing this article on a typewriter, by candlelight, while I sup coffee from a mason jar. I’ll be using a Polaroid SX-70 to take the accompanying photos. Once it’s finished, I’ll rise from my vintage upcycled chair, pause briefly to wax my ironic moustache, and remove splinters from my posterior before jumping on my penny farthing and cycling to the office to submit it. That’s right – I’m a hipster with a low-tech fetish that’s supposed to spark a new dawn of nostalgic revivalism: Adopt the shoddy, outdated junk that I spend every waking moment seeking out, or risk being sneered at. (Actually, if too many of you find the same things charming, then I’ll move on because it’s not okay to like anything “lamestream.”)

Seriously though: What is with adopting long forgotten technology that doesn’t work very well? Idealizing the seventies or eighties seems like something only someone who never lived through them could do. We mass produced all kinds of incredibly wasteful rubbish back then. As a writer, I would never sit down and write an article with pen and paper, nor would I use a typewriter anymore. You know why? It’s because they are uncomfortable, impractical, and drastically inferior to using a word-processing program on a computer or laptop.

Tech from the analog age is dead for a reason. We developed superior tech. That nostalgic imperfection you find in old Polaroid or those scratchy vinyl recordings can be replicated in digital form if you have a genuine longing for something that reminds you of childhood or makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.

“We did it first”

No, no you didn’t. Stop and think about how that antiquated product, clothing, or facial hair style, came onto your radar. It’s because at one time it was considered viable by the general population. You are basically filtering for rejected awfulness. I can turn a blind eye to skinny jeans, big sunglasses and trucker hats. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather never see any of those things again, but I’ve come to terms with my complete lack of power over the fashion world.

What I can’t abide is people using impractical antiquated tech and pretending like there’s something great about it. Gigantic power-guzzling TVs with thick beveled glass screens were just rubbish. Ugly, cheap, plastic stereo units with hundreds of knobs and buttons are like the consumer tech equivalent of the 1970s tower block architecture that still blights the UK. Record players were a pain to use and vinyl took up loads of room, usually getting scratched while it did so. Physical books kill trees.

And don’t even get me started on the rash of faux-vintage products and apps that are flooding the shelves of boutiques in all the right neighborhoods around the globe. An obsession grasping for authenticity and nostalgia for a past that is somehow more real than the digital present renders an iPhone dock shaped like a rotary telephone and 75 percent of Instagram filters null and void.

Fake nostalgia

Speaking of nostalgia (and speaking to the under-30 leading edge of this annoying trend), it’s not possible to be nostalgic for something you never experienced the first time around. If you don’t know firsthand the misery audio cassettes getting eaten by your boom box or your floppy disks or the heartache of a love letter lost by the postman, then you’re just being different for the sake of it and the quickest way is to dig through humanity’s landfill. Forget about applying creativity toward something new, just backdate your conformity.

As for those of us with a legitimate claim to the tech of the 70s and 80s that’s so ascendant, I acknowledge the comfort of a nostalgic haze, but I ask: do you really want to trade your phone in for a Sports Walkman and a landline? Really?

I’m not the nostalgia police, but I am telling low-tech-loving hipsters everywhere to stop waxing their mustaches for a moment and think. It shouldn’t be difficult to look like you’re not trying. Why make life harder? Just because something is old or outdated does not mean it is cool (see Nazism, medieval medicine and outdoor toilets). Embrace new technology, forget the analog age, let antiquated tech die a dignified death, and focus on the horizon. With some proper damned sunglasses please.

[Image credit: Tube TV: LesPalenik/Shutterstock; Cassette: Shawn Hempel/Shutterstock]

UK network EE will launch its 4G LTE network on October 30, while other carriers wait patiently for the 2013 spectrum auction.

The UK is poised to join the USA and many other countries around the world in offering 4G LTE high speed data to its citizens. This week has seen some important developments, not only because its first 4G LTE network has been given a launch date, but also due to the long-awaited 4G spectrum auction being brought forward to January 2013.

It’s EE, the parent company of Orange and T-Mobile, that has the honor of being the first to switch on a 4G signal. After months of legal wrangling, the network has confirmed it’ll provide a 4G connection in 10 cities from October 30.

CEO Olaf Swantee said in a statement that he was “delighted” to announce the launch of both EE as a brand — a network of EE stores will be opening around the country, through which EE’s 4G LTE phones will be sold — and “the UK’s first super fast mobile 4G and fibre broadband service.”

Initially expected to launch only in London, Birmingham, Cardiff and Bristol, delays have clearly allowed EE to boost its coverage, as 10 cities will now see the benefit of 4G from day one. A press event will be held soon, where those 10 cities and the final six expected to join them by the end of the year, will be revealed.

Early adopters of EE’s 4G service will need a compatible phone, a selection of which can be purchased through the company. The choice may be slim, but it’s eclectic, with the iPhone 5, the Samsung Galaxy S3 LTE, the HTC One XL and the Huawei P1 LTE all available now. The Galaxy Note 2 will also be joining them from October 15, and the Lumia 920 and Lumia 820 Windows Phone 8 devices will be added later in the year. Eligible Orange and T-Mobile subscribers will be offered the chance to upgrade too.

Tariff prices haven’t been announced yet, and will probably be discussed at the aforementioned press event, but it’s speculated that monthly costs will increase by around £10.

Spectrum auction brought forward

To enable it to be first out the gate with 4G, EE has refarmed its plentiful reserves of 1800MHz spectrum for 4G use. Its competitors, who don’t have anywhere near enough 1800MHz spectrum to compete, are understandably upset with both EE and the UK’s communications regulator, Ofcom, who approved the deal back in March.

Since then it has been one long round of complaints and threats from rivals, along with hastily formed partnerships — Vodafone and O2 have joined forces to jointly maintain its nationwide network infrastructure, for example — culminating this week in a meeting between them, Ofcom, EE and the UK government to sort it all out.

Competing firms Vodafone, O2 and Three have been considering legal action against EE, a move that would have delayed both EE’s 4G network launch, and Ofcom’s spectrum auction, which is essential to getting everyone else up and running for 4G.

The meeting not only saw the end of the legal threat, but also the date of the spectrum auction being brought forward to January 2013, which minimizes the period of exclusivity EE has over 4G in the UK. Everybody’s happy, then.

At the auction, all UK networks have the chance to bid on a slice of the 800MHz and 2.6GHz spectrum, which is currently being cleared in preparation for use with 4G. Once the auction concludes, it’s estimated that it will take five or six months to get everything ready.

These positive developments mean Vodafone, O2 and Three will join the 4G party six months earlier than previously thought, with a limited launch being touted for summer 2013. Until then, EE gets to enjoy its moment in the sun as the UK’s only purveyor of high speed 4G data.